Someone Else To Love

I knew something had gone terribly wrong

The day you raised your voice to me

I always knew that you were strong

But I didn't know how hard your punch would be

I thought my heart was big enough

That my love could get us through

But I guess I wasn't all that tough

Because I couldn't protect myself from you

I never thought you'd fill me with fear

Then the day came that you raised your fist

You hit me so hard my eyes filled with tears

Who's heart could be as cold as this

You told me repeatedly how stupid I was

But I knew better than to listen to your words

They were filled with venom, but later with lust

My life with you had become a curse

When I finally left you

We found out what stupid was

When empty was how I left you

And I found someone else to love

My Boy John

Though I never got to know you

You touched my very soul

We never even heard your cry

Yet you filled that little hole

I missed the chance to comfort

The chance to sing a song

I missed out on your laughter

My baby,

My boy

John

You could have changed the world

Made a better place

Given everyone a chance

To get to know your face

We would have excepted

The blessings of your charm

I would have loved to know you

My baby

My boy

John

The Day Love Left

My life with him is over

Gone without a trace

No dreams of future loving

No memory of his face

Things were always hard for us

And we never got to close

I was afraid to love him

Afraid of what I would lose

Now that he has left me

The dreams are all that is left

I wake in the darkness

And swear I feel his breath

I pray that no one feels

The pain that was inspired

The day my son was called

To join the angels choir

    Boy, do I have a story to share. I know that people think I am crazy when I tell this story but I really don't care. I think it is important to share stories like this as often as possible because it gives hope of something after this life. It really concerns me how many people don't believe in an afterlife. I even find it in my own family and what concerns me more than anything is that these people are passing their beliefs onto other people.

 Anyway this is my story and it is true to the best of my knowledge. Now, where to start, where else but at the beginning.

     It was 1998, I was 27 years old with three kids and I hadn't been feeling well. I had been having migraines that were putting me literally out of commission. I had been to the doctor and found out two rather interesting things. I was diagnosed with a thyroid disease called Graves' Disease and I was also pregnant.

     Due to my condition, the chances the baby would be early were very good. Early didn't even begin to describe it. I went into labor at five and a half months. I had a heart attack during the delivery and my son John William was born on March 7, 1999. John was 1lb 6oz and died six minutes after he was born. He never took a breath. Six minutes he lived and never took a breath. I was emotionally bankrupt and it took a long time to move past the tragedy but I had to because I had three other children that needed me.

     Two years later I would find myself in a similar situation. I was again pregnant and still sick of course. Christopher Lloyd was born on June 19, 2001 after six months of pregnancy. He was born within minutes of hard labor and when I saw how small he was I began to cry saying, "He's to small, he's to small." Then came the greatest sound in this world, a sound that made me believe in Heaven, he cried for the first time and then was rushed from the room to be worked on by a whole team of medical personnel.

    He was 1lb 10oz and 11.5 inches long. It was amazing, he was the same size head to toe as a Barbie Doll. In the next four months he went through four major surgeries. The first one was to fix a hernia he had gotten while being born. The second surgery was to put in a Gastric Feeding Tube, or G-tube. The third was an exploratory on his throat. The last one was to put in the tracheotomy.  Despite all that was done, in Chris's seventh month, he stopped breathing because of a build up of mucus in his trach due to a respiratory condition in premies called RSV. On February 7, 2002 Christopher died.

     It always seemed rather strange to me though. John held out for six minutes in this world without taking a breath and Chris, who should not have been able to breath on his own at birth was able to keep breathing for near six minutes until he could be intubated. Do you suppose John saved his breath so his little brother could use it two years later.

     I am dying to hear input on this. My children and I have developed a lot of our beliefs on the existence of these two little boys. We are now unshakable in our belief in Angels and Heaven. So what do you believe?